Don't Drink and Dress

Look, we'd drink margaritas every day if we could. They're delicious! So tangy and salty!

But, just as we love our liver, we would never use the apostrophe to make a plural, nor would we spell everyday as one word, unless we were saying something to the effect of "Margarita is ordinary."

Thanks to Alan H. for the photo.

They Had Us At Menopause

Oh, it's just a small thing, really -- that extra apostrophe in "its." But we'd like the record to reflect that our brains are functioning well enough that we recognized that errant bit of punctuation.

Confidential to the people who write these ads: the liberal use of bold text, enlarged text, italics, and bold italics, along with an exclamation point, does not make the study sound any more appealing. We're middle aged, not moronic. 


Thanks to Linnea D. for sending the image along.

Tales from the Casting Ouch

From our Genuine Hollywood Actress friend, a series of errors from actual casting calls:

A casting call used the word "thy" when they meant "thigh."

Another notice used the phrase "age rage" instead of "age range." That simple typo made me picture someone fuming over a birthday cake.

We are excepting kids.
You meant to say "accepting," because if you except them, then you're leaving them out and thus no kids will show up to your auditions.
If your into wearing the smallest string thing and very exposed, submit your photo.
Shudder. No comment.

And then there's this Craigslist ad:

Are you a ghost rider? Did you used to be? A popular TV show going into its fourth season is looking for a ghost riding expert to give an on-camera interview. What drives people to ghost ride? What are the risks? Let us know!

 We of course have a certain Johnny Cash song stuck in our head, which we offer up as your blurry but free Friday entertainment. We do think perhaps they are looking for ghost writers--and for their ads, ghost copy editors.

Diagnosis: Spring Fever

Symptom: the unnecessary apostrophe in "days." Oh, you crazy crafters. When will you ever learn (and thanks to Tamara for the find).

Meanwhile, there's less than a month until National Grammar Day. What will you do to celebrate on March 4?

Tales from the Casting Ouch

Our monthly feature, as compiled and commented upon by a genuine Hollywood Actress:

Lets get payed!
Let's get an apostrophe and a spell checker!

You're list of credits.
Please give that apostrophe to the previous guy, and drop the E, because you are wrong.

I've got rythm.
No, no, you don't.

We are an independant movie.
Do you offer pendants? I could use another necklace.

We'd Heard About This Shirt...

But we didn't really believe in its existence until we saw the photo.

This attractive garment comes from Wet Seal's "I'm So Desperate I've Considered Having Sex with My Landlord's Dog" line (other items include a pair of literal "Kissin' Cousins" socks, and single-use thong underwear to cut your losses during the walk mortified trot of shame).

Thanks, Lance (and Little Willow). Your™ the best.

Tales from the Casting Ouch

The latest, from our Genuine Hollywood ActressTM friend, excerpted from actual casting calls:

A recent casting call informed me that the director was "norweigien."

Apparently, dancers are encouraged to choreograph pieces "on there own"

Where is that, then?
This just in: "The dead persons must act dead!"

"Looking for a slightly hippy girl." 
Methinks you meant a hippie, not an applebottom.

"She here's a truck outside."
Homonyms and apostrophes are crying.

Tales from the Casting Ouch: Thanksgiving Edition

Many thanks to our favorite Hollywood actress for sending along these assorted casting call errors, along with her witty rejoinders. We are so thankful!

Lot's of singing, lot's of solo's.
Lots of incorrect apostrophes.

Que cardAre you prepared to wait in line?
We will be auctioning actors.I really hope not, because people are priceless.
She suffers from skitsafrania.Unless that is a term you've made up on purpose in an attempt to be funny for a comedy skit, misspelling your character's condition on a casting call makes you seem uneducated.

Casting: All types. Send headshot resume. Email for more information.
How nice to be so specific!

Recent apostrophe catastrophes:

I Can't Take My Eye's Off You
2 partner's
All ethnicity's

A recent tweet from Steve Martin @SteveMartinToGo read:

Feeling slightly i'll. UH OH. ROGUE APOSTROPHE.

Friday Sign of the Apocalypse: Yeesh

You know, some things shouldn't need explanation. A sign on the door that says WOMEN means it's a women's bathroom.

So we are wildly disturbed that the proprietors needed to post a two-exclamation-point sign explaining what that "WOMEN" thing means. We are so disturbed, in fact, that we hardly mind the missing e in "absolutely," or the missing apostrophe in "women's."

Honestly, dudes. We don't want you in our powder room. We've heard about what you do to yours. Blecch.


Thanks to Charity E. for the photo.

Hey, Buddy: Your Ignorance Is Showing

SPOGG loves libraries. LOVES THEM. Among other things, you can:

• check out books;
• research subjects of interest (for some people, ahem, we recommend books that teach the proper use of the apostrophe);
• get FREE access to subscription services (such as the Oxford English Dictionary); 
• borrow DVDs, CDs, and audio books; 
• hear authors speak (we shared an elevator at the Seattle Public Library with the literary genius M.T. Anderson!);
• catch free concerts and performances for kids; and
• enjoy the free wi-fi and air conditioning.

Also, there already is such a thing as a fee-based library. It's called Barnes and Noble (which we also love).

We can't help but notice this disturbing trend in cities across the country in which libraries are being shut down, pecked at, and put on the chopping block to balance community budgets. 

People have no idea how much pleasure they could get and how much money they could save by making the library their first stop in entertainment. Libraries also level the playing field somewhat for the poor.

That is why we say to the creator of this sign, "You are a moron. A MORON. Perhaps if you spent more time in your library you would know there is no apostrophe in 'fees'."

What's unfortunate and telling is that the person who made this sign lacked the courage to put his or her name and contact information on it. We do understand the cowardice, though. Who's proud to celebrate ignorance? Who wants to stick it to the poor, and to families with young children who can't otherwise afford books? Jerks, that's who.

Look, we get that we're in tough economic times. But you don't cut off your feet to save money on shoes. If you have a chance this fall to vote for library funding, please do. And while you're at it, stop by your library to see what you might be missing.

Truth in Towing Signs

Note the fine print on the bottom of this sign. We know they meant to write "ticketed," but "ticked" is so much more accurate.

A truly honest sign would read: "Violators will be ticketed and ticked when they see the size of the towing bill."

In other quibbling, we have never liked the "owners' expense" construction, even properly apostrophized. Who is the owner? Of the car? Of the business? Of the dog that peed on the nearby fire hydrant?

Why not just say, "Your car will be towed and you'll have to pay the fee?" 


Thanks to Paula B. for the photo.

Hollywood Blooper Reel

Here are the latest casting-call goofs sent to us by a Real Hollywood ActressTM. Enjoy!

You will be paided.
Well, ain't that grand! But being paid would be better.

She becomes a hooker to make ends meat.
Is she fishing and cooking decidedly non-vegetarian meals down by the docks? [SPOGG: Making ends "meat" for money is illegal in most states.]

Status: un-union
I think you mean non-union.

Type: White felmale
What exactly is a felmale?

If your not geting gigs, it could be those photos you have.
If you're not getting submissions, it could be that casting call you posted.

Indeed!

Thanks to Samantha G. for the photo.

This Gave Us Contractions

Here's a Facebook comment thread sent to us by our old friend, Sarah K.

Last names have been abbreviated to protect the innocent--and the guilty, even though he doesn't really deserve it. Enjoy!

Monica F.  I am far from stupid!!! I do not want to be treated as if I am stupid, not now, and not ever!
Yesterday at 9:08pm · Comment · Like

Joseph W  But youre female?
Yesterday at 9:12pm

Sarah K  you're
Yesterday at 9:19pm ·

Joseph W  Im lazy, sue me
Yesterday at 9:20pm

Sarah K  I'm
Yesterday at 9:21pm ·

Joseph W  Dont lecture me
Yesterday at 9:21pm

Sarah K  Don't
Yesterday at 9:22pm ·

Joseph W  Isnt this crazy?
Yesterday at 9:22pm

Sarah K  nope.
Yesterday at 9:23pm ·

Joseph W  Monica wouldnt appreciate us hijacking her thread, shh, shes stupid, so she cant read this.... Jk Monica!!!!! Anyone who works hard for her family isnt stupid.
Yesterday at 9:26pm

Megan O  I adore Sarah Kietzer. :-)
11 hours ago

Monica F  I adore Sarah as well :))) HEY I adore you too Megan :)))) and JOE's not too bad

Friday Sign of the Apocalypse: Spring Fever Edition

Thanks to Alex in Wenatchee, Washington for sending along this sign. Either they're REALLY excited about a shipment of springs that's arrived, or this is an apostrophe catastrophe and they meant to say "spring's here."
 

Friday Sign of the Apocalypse: Apostrophe Catastrophe

A few years ago, we reviewed a film called "Happily N'Ever After."

We hated the movie, finding it hard to get past the unnecessary apostrophe in the title. Get it, everyone? It's a play on ever after, because ever is in never and we know people are too stupid to figure that out on their own.

Oh, you Hollywood wags.

We thought of that when we saw this sign. Honestly, how does stuff like this happen?


Thanks to Denis for the photo.

The Case of the Politically Active Kitten

Here's a photo taken in a veterinarian's office, a place where animals can be encouraged to be as politically active as their hearts and whiskers desire.

This kitten is FOR adoption! Yeah! Kitten's for adoption! Can we hear some thunder?

Oh wait. Do the seemingly unnecessary quotation marks around Kitten's name bother you?

Don't worry. We're sure they're actually an official part of her name, sort of like the ones used by the band "Awesome." Just don't ask "Kitten" her age, though. She's sensitive.

And finally, the three exclamation points. Those are...wait.

We got nothin'--nothin' but diagnosis of bangorrhea. Seriously. What a sad little sign.

Thanks to Barry L. for sending it. 

Friday Sign of the Apocalypse: Exclusive Hotel Edition

You know you're in an exclusive hotel when there's only one guest.


Do you think they maybe meant to write "guests'"?

Thanks to Susan H. for the photo.

More Tales from the Casting Couch

These are real casting calls sent to us by an up-and-coming Hollywood actress. Enjoy!

Looking for tanner, alto, and soprano
Lend me a tenor.

imagine star wars with black eyed pees madonna and justin timberlake
Does this really need commentary?

You will be laying in a body bag wearing a thing and bra with blood all over.
I assume they meant "thong" instead of "thing," but I'm not sure which is more horrifying.

Role: Cool Girl's
What is she, other than cool? What does she possess?

Role type: Looser brother
Looser than what, exactly?

Could you play like a half goldminer half serial killer half hillbilly?
That all adds up to one-point-five, but sounds really ten-point-oh on the crazy scale.

please send two shirtless photos-- including one of your back (if you have one).
If you are a backless alien, you may still apply.

Friday Sign of the Apocalypse: Apostrophe Catastrophe

We wish whoever lent this sign the apostrophe in "fees" would take it back. It's a punctuation bubble we just don't need.

Repeat after us: apostrophes make possessives, not plurals. Apostrophes make possessives, not plurals. Yeah, that's the stuff.

Thanks to Xavier D. for the photo.