Craiglisterious: We Don't Know What This Means

SPOGG member Linnea D sent this Craigslist gem. 

We suggest you read it out loud to appreciate the full measure of the lunacy. Druck free? Maybe. But we doubt it.

Will Drive car with person Truck with load car with pet (orange park to brunswick ga)

CLEAN WHITE 48 RETIRED GREAT RIVER NO TICKETS NO ACCIDENTS WILL DRIVER YOUR CARE TRUCK WITH LOAD CARE WITH LOAD

CARE WITH ANIMALS....NEED TO GET TO BRUNSWICK GA TOMORROW.....

DRUCK AND BOOZE FREE PLEASE EMAIL BACK OR CALL DRIJVE SAFE YOU PAY FROM GAS VERY IMPORTANT..CALL 904 477 2250
 

We'd Almost Like to Work with This Guy

From Craigslist (via Tiffany O.):

Help needed writing my way out of paper bag (telecommute)

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Date: 2011-06-17, 7:55PM CDT
Reply to: job-wsvvu-2447219390@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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I'm trying to write some light humor pieces, and need a second pair of eyes. I'm not so much a Strunk and White guy as a drunken white guy. Help save me from myself and my creative punctuation.

This would be very infrequent, and by the piece.

• Location: telecommute
• Compensation: United States
• Telecommuting is ok.
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 2447219390

Tales from the Casting Ouch

From our Genuine Hollywood Actress friend, a series of errors from actual casting calls:

A casting call used the word "thy" when they meant "thigh."

Another notice used the phrase "age rage" instead of "age range." That simple typo made me picture someone fuming over a birthday cake.

We are excepting kids.
You meant to say "accepting," because if you except them, then you're leaving them out and thus no kids will show up to your auditions.
If your into wearing the smallest string thing and very exposed, submit your photo.
Shudder. No comment.

And then there's this Craigslist ad:

Are you a ghost rider? Did you used to be? A popular TV show going into its fourth season is looking for a ghost riding expert to give an on-camera interview. What drives people to ghost ride? What are the risks? Let us know!

 We of course have a certain Johnny Cash song stuck in our head, which we offer up as your blurry but free Friday entertainment. We do think perhaps they are looking for ghost writers--and for their ads, ghost copy editors.

Tales from the Casting Ouch

Here are genuine Hollywood casting calls in all their warty glory, sent by our spy in Tinseltown.


No experience need it.
That's right. If you don't have any experience, you need it.

Needs Extras For Background Rolls
Cinnamon or jelly?

(You will be given) all new underware.
I don't even want to know.

Need VOULEENTER
Need spell check.

Can you do dance routings?
I always dance when I'm networking computers or arranging mail for delivery.

Role: Person who see's the light
See's Candies shops tend to have lights.

With Job Applications, Spelling Matters

It also matters with job postings. Would you work for this person?

On Craigslist:
Trying to find the unusuall type. No Experiance. Jus people with something
Something diffrent. A look, a limp, crippled, a speech oddity, a weird voice
anything diffrent. maling a fun Low budget DVD.
I will pay you ten dollars per hour for your time.
Please send contact info pix to find@tvstar.com

You Get What You Pay For

Cynthia F. sends this Craigslist ad along. Would you hire Rachel to write your paper?

Wow, it is shaping up to be a beautiful summer. Who wants to sit inside writing a paper when the weather is this great? I will if you pay me.

I've already earned a B.A. in English and would love nothing more than to write your paper for you. Depending on the length, subject, research involved, and the due date, you and I will arrive at a price, though it is safe to say I would charge around $10-$13 dollars per page ($5 for the bibliography page). Just send me the essay requirements and I will get back to you within a couple of hours. If I honestly cannot complete your paper, I will let you know. I promise to deliver a paper which is: tailored to your specific assignment; written entirely by me (and I am darn good at writing college essays); completed on time; properly cited; and earns you at least a "B" (not my fault if you turn it in late or make changes to the paper, however!) I also promise complete discretion. The business you and I conduct is between us, no one else. You will not turn in this paper and get in trouble. No plagiarism--the paper will be well researched and written by yours truly.

Email me for more information. I am happy to provide writing samples as well as feedback from other students who have utilized my service. We can chat on the phone as well, or hook up in South King County if you’d like to meet me first, see some samples, or view my illustrious English Degree (graduated summa cum laude). The more secure you fell, the more likely you are to utilize my service, and the more likely you are to return or recommend your friends!

I will also edit your paper if you've already written it. This is a cheaper service, and the price depends on the degree of editing you are looking for, but I would charge anywhere from $3-$5 a page. Heck, I'll even tutor you.
This costs a bit more....$25-$35 per hour.

Method of payment: Paypal or Western Union. Cash or cashier’s check if meeting in person.

Hit me up! Thanks--Rachel

LOLcat Personal Ad

What this Craigslist advertiser left out is that she's fluent in LOLcat. So yes, you can has proztitute...

Reasons For Contacting me!
1. MY beauty. My body is just as beautiful as My face; wait and see!

2. MY intellect. I actually has brains to match MY beauty.
3. Location! Location! Location! available rite now, I offers convenient incall as well.
4. I'm 100 percent independent.
5. The pictures are real, what you see is what you get. There is no bait and switch here!
SERIOUS CALLERS ONLY
845-270-0696
sorry no private calls or text/emails

A Manor of Speaking...

Jaime sends this Craiglist advertisement:

Due to the current state of the economy, i am able to work for less then i would normaly charge. Custom home builder and finisher looking for work. from remodels to decks to siding and much more. I will stick to my quote, and finish in a timely manor! Thank you

While we understand how the economy can make one want to scrimp on capital letters, what really gets us going is the idea of turning our house into a timely manor. It's close, but alas, not good enough.

When we're able to live in the manor of our dreams, we are no longer going to bother with being timely. That's for the little people. No...we shall sleep in, loll about, and let our servants bother with such things as clocks and thousand-pound hourglasses that require twice-daily manual turns. Let them eat cake!

But seriously...good luck to everyone looking for jobs. It's a tough world out there, and SPOGG is rooting for you.