Quotation Mark Abuse and Angry Rich Men

SPOGG has a confession: We were not riveted by the LeBron James basketball drama and thus did not care one way or another which team he chose.

We did notice when someone asked who "LeBon" James was, and after we got over thinking about Simon Le Bon circa 1985, we read the letter Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert wrote after James chose another team.

It is a case study in quotation mark abuse, and while our inner Jiminy Cricket thinks it's also a case study in poor sportsmanship, we'll focus on the punctuation for now.

Actually, that's sort of a lie. We'll insert some commentary as well. We can't help ourselves.

Dear Cleveland, all of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers supporters wherever you may be tonight;  [Why the semicolon, Coach? A colon would have done nicely. Or even a comma. Semicolons aren't an angry compromise for the indecisive.]

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several-day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. [Someone doesn't watch enough reality programming on TV. Coach, try The Bachelor sometime.]

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more. [Jiminy Cricket can't resist. Cheering at a basketball game is recreation, not a form of giving. Working at a soup kitchen is.]

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight: "I personally guarantee that the Cleveland Cavaliers will win an NBA Championship before the self-titled former 'king' wins one."

You can take it to the bank. [Actually, sir, people have to take a lot of money from the bank to attend a game. You, however, should profit. Wait. You were being metaphorical? OK, then. That's a cliche.]

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels. [OK, when you put your own "motivation" in quotes like that, it makes it seem as though you never had any in the first place. You are a madman.]

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. [Wait. He's going to Miami. If that is heaven, we don't want to die, either. Not until we have a better tan and wax job.]

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our homegrown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland. Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day...

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only: [That you won't use unnecessary capitalization?]

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue...[Nope, apparently you are fully aboard the Unnecessary Punctuation Train. Also, an ellipsis at the end of a sentence needs that fourth period. Here, we would've just used the one period. If you really wanted an ellipsis, you could have put one and the resulting dramatic pause after "deserved." And with that, we have demonstrated the proper use of quotation marks around words that are not actually quotations.]

Dan Gilbert

Majority Owner

Cleveland Cavaliers

Thanks to Marla Smith-Nilson of Water1st for sending the letter. Water1st helps build water and sanitation systems for people in the world's poorest communities. This is an example of giving in its most inspirational form. For about $70--less than an NBA ticket--you can provide clean water, toilets, and hygiene education to a child for life, sparing that child a great deal of suffering, and even death. And no one makes you put on an oversize polyester jersey.

The Case of the Politically Active Kitten

Here's a photo taken in a veterinarian's office, a place where animals can be encouraged to be as politically active as their hearts and whiskers desire.

This kitten is FOR adoption! Yeah! Kitten's for adoption! Can we hear some thunder?

Oh wait. Do the seemingly unnecessary quotation marks around Kitten's name bother you?

Don't worry. We're sure they're actually an official part of her name, sort of like the ones used by the band "Awesome." Just don't ask "Kitten" her age, though. She's sensitive.

And finally, the three exclamation points. Those are...wait.

We got nothin'--nothin' but diagnosis of bangorrhea. Seriously. What a sad little sign.

Thanks to Barry L. for sending it. 

Thinking about Valentine's Day?

Here's a love song card you can buy on Etsy. It's only $4, because unnecessary quotation marks make everything feel cheap. "Trust us."

What do you think they meant by "The Sweetest Thing"? We at SPOGG hope they mean kittens, or maybe candy, because anything more personal should never be printed on a card.

Oh, and about the proper use of quotation marks: They belong around direct quotes and words you are referring to as words themselves. For example, the "sweetest thing" in that poem couldn't possibly be a reference to the ability to achieve an orgasm. No one would be that gross.

Quotation marks are not to be used to highlight the adorableness of certain expressions. Nor are they to be used to show that you're kidding or being clever. Your writing has to be funny enough to stand without the air quotes.

Really Unfortunate Quotation Marks

This comes from the BBC site. What's with the quotation marks?

Hijacked tanker's captain 'dies'
Pirate attacks continue despite the presence of naval forces The captain of a ship seized earlier this week off the Seychelles has died of gunshot wounds he suffered during the hijacking, Somali pirates say.

The quotation marks here make it seem as though he faked his death. If it's unclear, attribute it--even in the headline--to the pirates making the claim. Otherwise, the effect is terribly insensitive.

Friday Sign of the Apocalypse: Oh, North Carolina

Courtney C. sends this along from the North Carolina state fair. Though we can't read all the text, we're impressed with the two visible goofs. She scores in the spelling and punctuation categories.

If the food won't give you a heart attack, the sign will. Bon appetit!

Update: A reader wrote asking SPOGG to include an explanation of the errors. We will do so starting now. In this photo, "chili" is spelled wrong. And they should have written 'n' instead of "n."

Use apostrophes to indicate a missing letter or letters. This is how we make contractions.

Put quotation marks around a letter or a word if you're referring to it as a letter or word itself.

For example: "Buttery" is the sort of word that sounds like what it means; "pulchritude" is not.

But you wouldn't say "Try our 'buttery' biscuits" unless you were using fake butter, which would be all kinds of wrong.

Quotation marks are widely used for emphasis, of course, but SPOGG does not care for this. It can get "annoying." And it can look "silly." See the "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks for more.

When Unnecessary Quotation Marks Make Sense

This arrived today in our junk mail folder. Ordinarily, we are not a fan of the quotation mark used for emphasis, as it injects a certain insincerity into the mix. Today, though, we approve:

Hello,

We are pleased to notify you the "Winner" of our last Secured Mega Jackpot Online Sweepstakes result. This is a reward program for the patronage of internet services and all email addresses entered for this promotional draws were randomly selected from an internet resource database of registered software and domain users.

Reference Number: AU 73 ES 2009
e-ticket number: 76545556452 009
Category: A
Amount: $2,500,000.00 (Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars)

The Case of the Incognito Photographer

We wonder what "Gerry" has done that requires him to talk about himself with unnecessary quotation marks--as if he really isn't "Gerry," but some other character just using the name for kicks and "giggles."

Maybe he's doing time for quotation mark "abuse" and is using an alias to protect his true identity. Yes, that's most likely it. It's a "shame." Grammar jail means hard time, people, especially if the semicolon decides to make you her bi--oh, never mind.

Nice photos, though.

Grammar for Spammers: Dirtybird Edition

In the inbox this morning:

Looking for a one night stand?

Hookup tonight with other hot, sexy people in your area looking for some "No Strings" adventures!

Sigh. It's one-night stand--we would never dream of doing it without a hyphen. And "hook up" is two words when used as a verb. There is no reason to capitalize No Strings. And for the love of index fingers, please! Stop with the unnecessary quotation marks.

We will always wonder, though, how they knew those sexy people were in our "area." We do try to keep that part covered with a bathing suit...

Quotation Mark Abuse

Karen sends this in:

DEA LINKS 9 DEATHS TO BILOXI 'PILL MILL'
By ROBIN FITZGERALD

A "pill mill" run from a Biloxi doctor's office and pharmacy is to blame for nine fatal drug overdoses, a federal agent testified Thursday.

Co-conspirators amassed millions of dollars from the drug operation, attracting "droves and droves" of locals and out-of-state residents seeking narcotics, said DEA agent Terry Davis.

The Family Medical Center and Tran's Pharmacy on Division Street were considered "the place to go," said Davis. He described one incident involving several medications that shouldn't have been prescribed together as "a cocktail for danger."
...
The DEA agent, testifying 1½ hours, described what he and four other agents experienced while going undercover as patients. The clinic operated on a "cash only" basis, said Davis, and the doctors provided little or no examination. Davis said his first visit with Dr. Thomas Trieu was only a couple of minutes of "face to face" time.

Davis said some patients appeared to be legitimate, but some were "reeking of marijuana," said Davis, "and I suspected some were armed."

Now it's true the reporter is quoting people directly in those snippets. That doesn't mean it's not an annoying practice. If you're not going to quote a whole sentence, don't quote at all. Just fold those words into your own prose. The source is not going to accuse you of plagiarism, especially because you're giving attribution.

And Xavier sends along this picture from his new neighborhood, where law enforcement apparently has a bit of a Rodney Dangerfield problem. No respect! No respect!

We "Can't" Get Enough

We admit it. We love it when people point out "unnecessary" quotation marks. Enjoy this blog, which is dedicated to them.

When Does SPOGG Love Bad Punctuation?

SPOGG loves bad punctuation when it comes with really good salsa.

For years, we've noticed the writing on this garbage can at our favorite neighborhood taco joint. It's a festival—nay, a fiesta— errors.

And yet, the salsa at this place is so delicious, we completely overlook the punctuation. We count two unnecessary apostrophes, two superfluous sets of quotation marks, and one completely baffling comma. That's a lot of errors in a seven-word message.

Two years ago we moved out of the neighborhood with this wonderful little restaurant. So when we were back in the area on Saturday, we had to snap a picture, just for nostalgia's sake. When we can't have the salsa, we can look at the picture, which makes us almost as happy.

For a Good Laugh

Stop by the "blog" of unnecessary quotation "marks."

http://quotation-marks.blogspot.com/

Quotation Mark Abuse

At our favorite taco stand, a handwritten sign encourages patrons to recycle their "cans."

At one of our favorite relative's homes, a sign that said, "Thank you for 'not smoking' " sat sternly on the coffee table for many years.

Why is it that the people and places we love tend to abuse quotation marks? People, it's not that hard. They're used for direct quotes and, very often, for titles of books, poetry, movies and songs. They should not be used to be cute. They should not be used to be funny. Nor should they be used for emphasis, whether in print, or in their air-quote form in conversations.

We are therefore delighted to introduce you to flickr's "Quotation Mark" Abuse collection. It's a photographic hall of quotation mark shame.