Grammar for Spammers

We don't know what's funnier, here:

- The name Walmsley Geoffrey Robert
- The idea that we might have $2 million in our bank account
- The semicolon after "Attention," along with the rest of the crazy grammar and punctuation here.

Just think of the damage spammers could do if they hired editors and made their evil plots sound plausible. Until then, smirk away. We might have missed a [sic] or two, but you get the idea:

Attention; [sic] Beneficiary,

My names[sic] is Mr. WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT O.C.U Investigation Office UK,[sic] there is presently a counter claims [sic]
on your funds by one MR.William Dickson, who is presently[sic] trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you
entered into an agreement with him before your death,[sic] to help you in receiving your fund[sic] US$ 2,000,000.00[sic] So here comes the big question.

Did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of (William Dickson)[sic].[sic] thereby making him the current beneficiary with his following account details:

MR William Dickson,
AC/NUMBER: 6503809428.
ROUTING/122006743,
B/NAME:CITI BANK,
ADDRESS:NEW YORK,[sic]USA,

We shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mr. William Dickson,[sic] if we do not hear from you within the next two working days from today[sic].

Thanks
Mr. WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT
(Assistance) Chairman
O.C.U Investigation Office UK
Bureau of Financial and Banking Crime

Grammar for Spammers: Cat Contest!

Finally, spam that isn't about penis enlargement. Instead, this one's about...cats (you thought we were going to say pussies, didn't you?).

SPOGG was amused enough that we are holding a contest. The person who rewrites this e-mail most persuasively (and grammatically) wins an autographed copy of THINGS THAT MAKE US [SIC]. Please post your revision in the comments section. When we have a respectable amount of replies, we will judge.

Do you need help understanding your feline?

Improve your own life by helping your cat improve their life.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow…

Problem cat behaviours ~ UGH! We’ve all had them and we all need to know how to remedy them! In Cat Secrets Revealed, a Texan cat trainer opens up the understanding and strategies that can transform an antisocial wildcat into a lovable housecat in less than two weeks!

It’s the best way to train your cat without going crazy in the process


Cat Secrets Revealed is a simple step-by-step guide that will teach you to change the behaviour of your cat. The techniques are based on the knowledge of the feline psyche.

Only when you understand your cat’s behaviour, are you able to change it.

Don’t despair – Help is at hand – click on the link to find out more – this could change your lives – don’t delay, click today – you’ll be so glad you decided to take action.

Click Here

Yours sincerely,



Steve Goodwin

Another Swell Portmanteau

Spamouflage: The practice of disguising your junk mail as desirable mail from your company (like, making it look like it's in response to an order you placed).

Thanks to Barry L. for sending it.

When Unnecessary Quotation Marks Make Sense

This arrived today in our junk mail folder. Ordinarily, we are not a fan of the quotation mark used for emphasis, as it injects a certain insincerity into the mix. Today, though, we approve:

Hello,

We are pleased to notify you the "Winner" of our last Secured Mega Jackpot Online Sweepstakes result. This is a reward program for the patronage of internet services and all email addresses entered for this promotional draws were randomly selected from an internet resource database of registered software and domain users.

Reference Number: AU 73 ES 2009
e-ticket number: 76545556452 009
Category: A
Amount: $2,500,000.00 (Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars)

Grammar for Spammers: Dirtybird Edition

In the inbox this morning:

Looking for a one night stand?

Hookup tonight with other hot, sexy people in your area looking for some "No Strings" adventures!

Sigh. It's one-night stand--we would never dream of doing it without a hyphen. And "hook up" is two words when used as a verb. There is no reason to capitalize No Strings. And for the love of index fingers, please! Stop with the unnecessary quotation marks.

We will always wonder, though, how they knew those sexy people were in our "area." We do try to keep that part covered with a bathing suit...

The Elements of Spam

Oh, how we wish we'd thought of this ourselves.

Nice Apostrophe, But Ewww...

Our spam filter caught this today:

Subject line: Make your King-Kong Twice Larger

Catch rapturous girls' looks on your zipper protuberance.

While we are pleased that they made the correct plural possessive of "girl," and while we admire the creative expression that is "zipper protuberance," we think the image that comes to mind--of someone's eyeballs/beauty caught in a zipper--ultimately ruins the effect. Hurl.

No sale, Mr. Spammer.

TWISS: This Week in Silly Spam

If you're peddling online degrees, this is a bad subject line to market your wares:

want to continue your learnings ?

We expect much more from con men. To quote Desperaux's mother, "It is such the disappointment."

TWISS: This Week in Silly Spam - the IRS Edition

We received this e-mail today, purportedly from the Internal Revenue Service:

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activitywe have determined that you are eligible to receivea [sic] tax refund under section 501(c) (3) of theInternal [sic] Revenue Code. Tax refund value is $189.60. Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 6-9 daysin [sic] order to IWP the data received.If u[sic] don't receive your refund within 9 businessdays from the original IRS mailing date shown,you[sic] can start a refund trace online.

We know spammers aren't the smartest wildebeest on the Serengeti. But do they really think we'll fall for a phishing scam from a government agency that uses "u" as an abbreviation for "you"?

We do like that they cited 5013c, the designation for charity. When we pay our state business taxes, we file under the same category as gamblers do. We much prefer this work be considered charity than chance.

TWISS: This Week in Silly Spam

We are printing this poem, verbatim, from our junk-mail folder. It is noteworthy for its generous use of punctuation:

Recall your feels!

Still!
Pestiferous
Else;
Conceit
Instant?
Acquaintance:
Lorenzo
Ominous!
Forest;
Forest;
Else;
Rain?
Still!
forest;
ominous!
rain
Vlouting-stocks,
Instant?
Acquaintance:
Grandees
Rain?
Acquaintance:
acquaintance:
non-come:
distillation,
Conceit
Instant?
Acquaintance:
Lorenzo
Instant?
Still!

Grammar for Spammers

We just got this spam in our inbox:

Subject line: Store for Man's

Waste no time on useless exercise to gett of some kilos, there is better way.

This season hottest pilules.

Here!

Now, we could translate this into English, like so:

Subject line: Store for Men

Don't waste time exercising to lose weight. There is a better way: this season's hottest pills. Here!

We could. But we will resist that urge. It isn't very often a spammer has such grammar that nearly every word is either misspelled, awkward, or both. It's pure genius. If we were a fat man, we could hardly resist trying the pilules, just to see what crazy magic might occur.

Grammar for Spammers

Sigh. As much as we'd like to receive a tax refund of $249.30, we know the IRS isn't in the business of making "annual calculations of ... fiscal activity."

We also would hope that phishers would be savvy enough to write idiomatic English. What does this mean? Note: Deliberate wrong inputs will be prosecuted by law.

It takes a lot of gall to e-mail out a sentence like this--especially because this sort of identity-theft scam is also "prosecuted by law."

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax refund of $249.30.

Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 3-6 days in order to process it.

A refund can be delayed for a variety of reasons. For example submitting invalid records or applying after the deadline. [SPOGG: Your sentence fragment pains us.]

To access the form for your tax refund, please click here [SPOGG: We will, if you use proper punctuation.]

Note: Deliberate wrong inputs will be prosecuted by law.

Regards,
Internal Revenue Service

Apparently, Married Women Are Harder to Impress

This bit of ambiguous spam arrived this morning:

You can impress every single girl with the size of your penis!

Does this mean it only works on single women? Or might this spammer have written, "You can impress all women with the size of your penis!"

Truth in Spamming

An actual headline from a piece of spam we received twice today contained an amusing spelling error:

WORLD WIDE LOOTERY AGENT