Do You Think the Jury Will Notice?

Note to self:

When you become a dermatologist taking care of a world-famous celebrity who most likely has an addiction to the narcotic Demerol, have someone proofread your letter so that when the inevitable court case comes about, you don't look like you went to medical school in a South American strip mall.

Thanks to Jessica M. for the find.

Crime and Grammar

Everybody knows good grammar can help you get jobs and dates. How else can good grammar improve your life? We're so glad you asked!

It can also prevent you from falling prey to scams from people who have the skills to reproduce the IRS logo, but for whatever reason can't spell or punctuate their way to Easy Street.

We tried to ferret out the errors in the phishing scam, but the photo at the news site is too blurry for our old, tired eyes.

At any rate, here's the story. The moral, of course, is that you should pay attention in school if you want to be a really good criminal.

KANSAS CITY, Mo. -- A new e-mail scam is posing as an IRS request.

The trick to keeping your computer and identity safe is to not respond and to not open the attachments, experts said.

KMBC's Jim Flink reported that the e-mail contains an IRS seal, but it also has numerous punctuation and spelling errors, which is one of the surest giveaways that it's a scam.

"What they're trying to do is find someone who is gullible enough to fill out these forms and fax it back to them," said Hank Palmer, KMBC's Information Technology manager.

In this case, the forms are asking for extensive personal information, including Social Security numbers, bank accounts and passport pictures. (Read more...)

UPDATE: Barry L. has better eyes than we do. Here's how he reads it:

Sir/Madam

Our records indicate that you are a non-resident alien. As a result, you are exempted from United States of America Tax reporting and withholdings, on interest paid you on your account and other financial dealing to protect your exemption from tax on your account and other financial benefit in rectifying your exemption status.

Therefore, you are to authenticate the following by completing form W410082, and return it to us as soon as possible through the fax number +1-606-***-****.

If you are a USA Citizen and resident, please complete form W410082 and fax it to us, please indicate "USA Citizen/Resident" on the form and return it to us.

When completing form W410082, please follow the steps below

1. We need you to provide your permanent address if different from the current mailing address on your form W410082 , you must indicate if a non-USA resident, your country of origin to support your non-resident status (if your bank account or other financial dealing has a USA address for mailing purpose).

2. If any joint account holder are now USA residents or Citizen, or in any way subject to USA tax reporting laws, Please check the box in this section.

Trouble for TEAL

Thanks to all the SPOGG members who sent word about the fate of the Typo Eradication Advancement League. The men who've criss-crossed the country crossing out spelling errors in signs have received what some call their "comeuppance."

One of the signs they corrected was a 60-year-old piece in the Grand Canyon (a National Park), painted by the artist Mary Colter.

The members of TEAL had to pay $3,035 to restore the sign, and are banned from national parks for a year.

There are cheers and jeers coming from both sides of the fence. Many reasonable people, including John McIntyre of the Baltimore Sun, thought TEAL was trivializing the pursuit of excellence in language. Others, including some of our beloved SPOGG members, offered to post bail.

Our thoughts on the matter: It's distracting, annoying, and often comical to see errors in signs. The only time we have taken a pen to one was in a classroom, where we neatly inserted an apostrophe where it belonged. The teacher wasn't looking and wasn't there, and we felt strongly that children should not be taught that "womens" is a word. Even so, we had pangs of conscience later.

Generally speaking, we leave signs alone. As we told a Christian Science Monitor reporter, people pay for those signs. We wouldn't want people to write on our stuff, and we don't write on other people's stuff. We aren't at all opposed to letters sent with humor and kindness, although we'd never send one to someone whose first language isn't English. It's hard enough starting over in a new country without having the natives poke fun.

Talking about errors in a blog is another matter, though. We can all learn from the discussion.

There is one correction, though, that we don't mind seeing. This photograph was taken by our friend Kat, of a bit of graffiti in her neighborhood.

Worth Noting

The pen is mightier than both the gun and the sword, apparently. In Michigan, 9 banks have been robbed by people wielding...notes. And apparently, they're not all grammatically correct. Shocking!

A serious note: Paper, not gun, is bank robber's weapon of choiceTHE FLINT JOURNAL FIRST EDITION
Sunday, April 13, 2008
By Bryn Mickle

GENESEE COUNTY - It's been happening a lot lately: A man walks into a bank with a hold-up note and leaves with a bag full of money.

No weapon. Not even the threat of one. Just a note.

Although experts say most bank robbers get caught and risk life in prison for a few hundred bucks, that message is lost on some crooks who see banks as easy money.

But the idea that someone can rob anything with just a note is a head scratcher for John Dombrowski, who owns a battery store just down the road from the Security Federal Credit Union branch in Burton, where a robber showing a note got $1,600 last month.

"I would take it, correct it for punctuation and laugh at it," said Dombrowski.

This reminds us of the San Francisco bank robber who filled out a deposit slip demanding that a teller "put the muny in a bag." He apparently worried that someone had seen him write his note, so he took it to the bank across the street.

The teller there, confident she was not dealing with a genius, told him she couldn't fill his request because it was written on another bank's deposit slip. The would-be robber returned to the first bank, where he was arrested by police summoned by the savvy teller.

Then last year in San Diego, we had the English Major Bandit, so named by the FBI for his appalling heist notes. He was caught and convicted, and now will have the rest of his life to study grammar...in the prison library.

How Unbarrassing!

The Kitsap Sun carries this bit about a 14-year-old who perhaps could have paid better attention in class:

A 14-year-old boy admitted on Friday to harassing a neighbor, pilfering cigarette butts from her porch and leaving poorly written notes she considered threatening.

... The neighbor ... showed three recent notes to the officer. Once read: "don't cope an atitod with me." Presumably, the note intended to read "Don't cop an attitude with me."

When interviewed by the officer in front of his mother, the boy admitted to leaving the notes.

Even with perfect spelling, the boy would have looked like a jerk. Is it worse, though, to look like a dumb jerk? Probably—and not just for the boy. A kid who reaches the age of 14 and hasn't learned to respect the neighbor is a sad case. One who reaches that age and hasn't learned to spell, either, is a kid who isn't interested in the bigger lessons.

And that's just sad. At least he admitted his crime, though. That means there's hope for him.

Good Grammar Doesn't Matter... Not at All!

Unless it bothers you to be mistaken for a hoax-o-riffic hitman, of course. From the Inquirer in England:

The extortionate spam often contains basic punctuation, spelling and grammar errors. It reportedly originates in Russia and may include personal information about the recipient in order to promote intimidation.

Read more...

The Grammar Defense

The Arkansas Democrat Gazette carries an interesting story today about a woman denying her alleged role in a $1 million mail-order scam. This could well be the first criminal defense based on punctuation and capitalization. One wrote a letter to her defense attorney:

In the letter, which is included with the motion, Henningsen denies being the Sharon Jeanette Henningsen listed in the criminal complaint, noting that she now hyphenates Sharon-Jeanette and separates her first name from her last with a semicolon. She also claims that the complaint, which spells her name in all capital letters, does not refer to her.

“I learned in first-grade grammar that proper names have the first letter capitalized and the remaining letters in lower case,” the letter states. “Your DEFENDANT is not me, according to the rules of grammar.” Henningsen claims that Neal shouldn’t represent her because he has a conflict of interest, and she declines any legal representation.

“Based on my research, and as there is no contract between Sharon-Jeannette; Henningsen and Barry Neal, I decline an attorney of any kind,” the letter states.

The rest of the story is here; our only question at this point is how do completely insane people get it together enough to steal a million dollars in the first place? Our grasp of punctuation, capitalization, and which end is up hasn't netted us nearly so much.

Caught by Bad Spelling!

FAKERS FOILED BY SPELLING MISTAKE
November 19, 2007

WHEN an old man came to them asking about a family treasure, the experts at the British Museum were glad to help.

But when George Greenhalgh, 84, hinted that he would be willing to let go of the 2,700-year-old Assyrian stone frieze for £500,000 ($1.5m), the museum staff got suspicious.

They inspected the carving of a bearded horseman leading two steeds, and found that something was wrong with the way the harnesses were drawn, reported The Independent.
More importantly, there was a spelling mistake in the ancient Mesopotamian writing.

The piece was a clever fake.

This discovery was promptly reported to Scotland Yard, and an 18-month investigation was launched.

The detectives were astonished to find that Greenhalgh, his wife, Olive, 83, and their 47-year-old son Shaun, an antiques dealer, were at the heart of a huge fake art scam.

The Greenhalgh's home was filled with a collection of carefully faked treasures, made from original materials like Egyptian glass and Roman silver, and given extensive fake histories based on detailed research.

The 120 pieces found would have brought in an estimated £10 million in total if they had been sold at market prices.

(more...)

Still, aren't there any examples of spelling errors in ancient works? Or were sculptors better proofreaders than we are?

Does the FBI Need a Reprimand

FBI agents have dubbed a bank robber "Slack Jaw Jimmy," which we applaud for its poetry, but deplore for its punctuation. We believe it should be Slack-Jaw Jimmy, or possibly even Slack-Jawed Jimmy. But we are in the midst of a heat wave in Seattle, and we don't think well when it's above 80 degrees (don't laugh).

What do you think? Should we send a stern letter to the Feds?

This One's a Kick

We found this today in the Albuquerque Tribune:

Police: Kicking man has bad grammar
Staff and wire
Tuesday, May 29, 2007

An Albuquerque man was arrested after police say he interfered with a traffic stop, urinated in public and gave bad grammatical advice to an officer.

The Albuquerque police officer was setting up a roadblock near Downtown
early Sunday when Jesus Torrez, 24, walked up and demanded an explanation for
the traffic stop, according to a Metro Court criminal complaint.

An hour later, the same officer said he saw Torrez jump onto a trash can,
drop his pants and urinate, the complaint says.

After he was arrested, Torrez insulted the officer and kicked him in the
hand, the complaint says. Later, Torrez offered to check the officer's report
for proper grammar because he said police never pass English class, the
complaint says.

"He told me he would accept `aidence' if he was in my
place," the officer wrote in the complaint.

Torrez was charged with battery on a police officer.

We predict Torrez will get off with a warning for good use of irony.

America's Most Ungrammatical

The Associated Press reports that convicted shoplifters outside an Alabama Wal-Mart have been sentenced to stand outside the store holding signs that say: "I am a thief, I stole from Wal-Mart."

Sigh.

Any of the following would have been correct:

I am a thief; I stole from Wal-Mart.
I am a thief. I stole from Wal-Mart.
I am a thief who stole from Wal-Mart.
I am a thief -- I stole from Wal-Mart.
I stole from Wal-Mart.

There is justice in grammar. But apparently, there is no grammar in justice.

When Prison Guards Can't Spell: aka Kentucky Fried Justice

Bad boys, bad boys -- whatcha gonna do?

Though we'd like to think spelling and grammatical errors tend to tip a criminal's hand, this isn't always the case. Thanks to Denise N. for this tip:

Phony Fax Frees Ky. Prisoner

(AP) - HICKMAN, Ky.-Officials released a prisoner from a state facility after receiving a phony fax that ordered the man be freed, and didn't catch the mistake for nearly two weeks.

Timothy Rouse, 19, is charged with beating an elderly western Kentucky man and was at the Kentucky Correctional & Psychiatric Center in La Grange for a mental evaluation. He was released from that facility on April 6 after officials received the fake court order.

It contained grammatical errors, was not typed on letterhead and was faxed from a local grocery store. The fax falsely claimed that the Kentucky Supreme Court "demanded" Rouse be released.

Lexington police arrested Rouse at his mother's home Thursday evening.

"It's outrageous that it happened," Fulton County Attorney Rick Major said. "I'm just glad nobody got hurt because he's dangerous."

Police are still investigating who faxed it.

Attorney Carlos Moran, who is representing Rouse, declined to comment.

Prison officials did not notice that the fax came from the grocery store because policies in place did not require checking the source of a faxed order, said the LaGrange facility's director, Greg Taylor.

"It's not part of a routine check, but certainly, in hindsight, that would perhaps have caused somebody to ask a question," he said. He added that misspellings on orders are common.