Thursday, May 04, 2006

Desperate Housewife Abuses Colon

Colon abuse and Hollywood: You might think this is limited to eating disorders and the icky practice known as the herbal enema.

It extends far beyond, however, to include abuse of the pointed punctuation mark that shares the name.

Take Teri Hatcher's book, Burnt Toast: And Other Philosophies of Life.

There is no reason whatsoever to set "burnt toast" off with a colon, as the title is printed on and her Web site.

It's like writing, "I had oatmeal: and other food for breakfast." Unnecessary! Incorrect! Don't!

If the liberal dropping of colons is a side effect of going seven years without sex then kissing Ryan Seacrest, we need all need to be afraid, very afraid, for the inevitable philosophical stylings of Paula Abdul.

If Teri merely wanted breathing room (and she probably needs this in order to rattle off a word as big as "philosophies"), then all she needed to do was use a hyphen. It's designed to do this very thing.

We are the last people to knock promotional T-shirts (buy your SPOGG-wear today). But Teri's Web site -- which has no information about the book -- advertises ungrammatical tank tops as it glorifies her truly toasty tan.

The tanks and tees say, "It's pretty, let's eat it," when they should say, "It's pretty; let's eat it."

Her lovely rack aside, wouldn't you rather your bosom said SPOGG than, "eat me?"

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