Friday Sign of the Apocalypse: Yeesh

You know, some things shouldn't need explanation. A sign on the door that says WOMEN means it's a women's bathroom.

So we are wildly disturbed that the proprietors needed to post a two-exclamation-point sign explaining what that "WOMEN" thing means. We are so disturbed, in fact, that we hardly mind the missing e in "absolutely," or the missing apostrophe in "women's."

Honestly, dudes. We don't want you in our powder room. We've heard about what you do to yours. Blecch.


Thanks to Charity E. for the photo.

Who Are Big and Small?

And why should no job go to Big or to Small? Oh, wait. They mean no job is "too big or too small" for them to consider.

Sigh. One could say the same about proofreading the signs painted on the back of trucks.

Every small business owner should consider hiring an editor for their signs, websites, brochures, and even business cards. Given the photos that come our way, we're fairly certain this could jump-start the entire U.S. economy.


Thanks to Randy J. for the photo.

Craiglist Post Raises Urgent Hyphenation Question

Would you hyphenate chill-out? Yes, we think we would. That is all. Thanks, Craigslist.

 

Music Vid - Female Astronaut Needed $150 (Central Los Angeles)

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Date: 2010-08-16, 7:31PM PDT
Reply to: gigs-fwvpk-1902912839@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

Fit female needed for a electronic chillout Music Video.

Looking for a lady 18-30 to float around in outer space in your birthday suit and a helmet.
A dark complexion and being able to dance like a robot are a plus.

Please attach a body shot and any additional relevant information.
Pay is 150 cash.

Thank you.

• Location: Central Los Angeles
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: 150

PostingID: 1902912839

If It's Intentional, It's Brilliant

Because it is Friday the thirteenth, and because we are choosing to greet this day with optimism instead of paraskevidekatriaphobia, we have decided that this sign — on its face incorrect — is intended to prove the very point it's making.

You don't have to be perfect to be lovable. And so we love it, just (as it) is.

...

Actually, no.

We tried this optimism thing for the length of one ellipsis, and we can't do it. We just can't.

So forget optimism, at least when it comes to vinyl wall decals. Buyer, beware. Also, watch out for black cats. And for the love of all that is right, don't buy wall art that has antlers growing out of the letters. That's mad tacky, people.

Hey, Buddy: Your Ignorance Is Showing

SPOGG loves libraries. LOVES THEM. Among other things, you can:

• check out books;
• research subjects of interest (for some people, ahem, we recommend books that teach the proper use of the apostrophe);
• get FREE access to subscription services (such as the Oxford English Dictionary); 
• borrow DVDs, CDs, and audio books; 
• hear authors speak (we shared an elevator at the Seattle Public Library with the literary genius M.T. Anderson!);
• catch free concerts and performances for kids; and
• enjoy the free wi-fi and air conditioning.

Also, there already is such a thing as a fee-based library. It's called Barnes and Noble (which we also love).

We can't help but notice this disturbing trend in cities across the country in which libraries are being shut down, pecked at, and put on the chopping block to balance community budgets. 

People have no idea how much pleasure they could get and how much money they could save by making the library their first stop in entertainment. Libraries also level the playing field somewhat for the poor.

That is why we say to the creator of this sign, "You are a moron. A MORON. Perhaps if you spent more time in your library you would know there is no apostrophe in 'fees'."

What's unfortunate and telling is that the person who made this sign lacked the courage to put his or her name and contact information on it. We do understand the cowardice, though. Who's proud to celebrate ignorance? Who wants to stick it to the poor, and to families with young children who can't otherwise afford books? Jerks, that's who.

Look, we get that we're in tough economic times. But you don't cut off your feet to save money on shoes. If you have a chance this fall to vote for library funding, please do. And while you're at it, stop by your library to see what you might be missing.

Actually, We Were in the Market for *Near* Wood

Look, we get it. English is not a phonetic language. The spelling is hard. Nonetheless, we recommend burning this sign.

Thanks to Matt K. "far" the photo.

Getting Down and Dirty in the Romper Room

The scout who sent us this photo can't say for sure where it was taken. (If she did, her source would have to kill her.) But let's just say the people getting an eyeful of "marital" arts in the "romper room" are probably going to have to take cold showers afterward.

In any case, they're really going to be able to lord it over those poor suckers who had to watch martial arts in the rumpus room. Live-action pornography vs. ancient Asian fighting techniques? No contest!

P.S. We don't really know how to make a joke about romper vs. rumpus, so we'll go with the facts.

A romper is a piece of clothing best worn on small children, despite the regrettable fashion trend that leads to items like this $228 Marc Jacobs piece. Seriously people. You are wasting the best years of your life, at least when it comes to your looks, on an outfit meant to go over a diaper. This model might be wearing one RIGHT NOW. She does have an "I'm peeing" look on her face.

But anyway. "Romper Room" is  a children's TV show remembered by people old enough to know that rompers are toddler-wear.

A rumpus is a wild party, often held in a rumpus room. In Where the Wild Things Are, however, the wild rumpus was held outdoors. You know the world is topsy-turvy when the grownups are wearing baby clothes and the monsters are partying outside so they don't wreck the furniture.

Book Publisher Seeks Photos of Bad Grammar

A book publisher is looking for photos of bad grammar. The categories are below. They'd purchase rights to print them (which would mean you'd have to be the photographer).

Contact Melody Tolson (mtolsonATrogers.com)  if you have photos in these categories:

Capital Letters
Needs an image showing incorrect use of capital letters or a lack of capital letters where required.

Numbers
Needs an image showing incorrect use of numerals or incorrect use of the numbers spelled out. For example, with abbreviations or symbols, the numbers should be presented as numerals – “7 kg” rather than “seven kg”.

Cracking the Sentence Code: Subjects and Verbs
Needs an image showing incorrect usage, perhaps a mistake with prepositional phrases; E.g. “Many houses in our neighbourhood needs painting.”

Run-on Sentences
An image showing a run-on sentence; too much information provided in one sentence that could easily be broken up into shorter sentences.

Modifier Problems
Misuse of modifiers (dangling or misplaced) such as “only”, “almost”, or a phrase – e.g. “Alice discovered a magic mushroom walking through Wonderland.” Or “When writing, a dictionary is your best friend.”

Parallelism
Images that show a lack of parallelism in the wording – e.g. “No smoking, drinking, or loud noises.” “A SmartCar is great because they’re cheap, easy to park, and driving one is fun.”

Correct Verb Forms
Image should show incorrect verb forms – e.g., “I drinked it in one gulp.” Or use of the passive voice that is unclear.

Subject-Verb Agreement
Image that shows a lack of agreement between the subject and verb, such as a singular subject with a plural verb “Everyone on the team show great respect for the coach” – this should read “shows”

Tense
Incorrect use of the verb tense or mixed verb tenses in the same sentence – “I’m standing right behind Sophie when she suddenly screamed.”

Person Agreement
Errors including misuse or mixing of “you” and “one” or “everyone” and “their”. E.g., “If you wish to succeed, one must work hard.” Or “Everyone must hang up their own jacket.”

Commas:
An image showing the incorrect placement of a comma, or the lack of commas where they are required. “A panda is a bearlike marsupial that eats, shoots, and leaves.”

Colons:
An image showing the misuse of the colon, for example after “is” or “are” – e.g., The things that bug me are: mosquitos, parking tickets, and rap music.”

Quotation Marks:
An image showing misuse of quotation marks; perhaps where someone has put a word in quotation marks as emphasis, rather than to show a quotation – e.g., “He told he just wasn’t ‘that’ into me.”

Question Marks, Exclamation Marks:
An image showing misuse of question marks or exclamation marks – e.g., “I wonder if you know them?” where the “?” is not needed; or overuse of an exclamation mark at the end of each sentence.

We Wish!

This comes from a sign at Lowe's: 

Thank you for permitting your children to participate in the Lowe’s Build and Grow Clinic! In order to help us better serve you and your child, please fill out this Clinic Waiver Form in its entirety. Lowe's values your participation and we look forward to helping your child Build and Grow! The first 50 kids to register and be present at the store at 10am will receive a kit, aprons and googles.

Wow. We'd like to receive googles, too. We'd sell our stock, buy some goggles, and spend the rest of our lives lounging by the pool.


Thanks to Trisha W. for sending it in.

Truth in Towing Signs

Note the fine print on the bottom of this sign. We know they meant to write "ticketed," but "ticked" is so much more accurate.

A truly honest sign would read: "Violators will be ticketed and ticked when they see the size of the towing bill."

In other quibbling, we have never liked the "owners' expense" construction, even properly apostrophized. Who is the owner? Of the car? Of the business? Of the dog that peed on the nearby fire hydrant?

Why not just say, "Your car will be towed and you'll have to pay the fee?" 


Thanks to Paula B. for the photo.