Grammar for Spammers

We don't know what's funnier, here:

- The name Walmsley Geoffrey Robert
- The idea that we might have $2 million in our bank account
- The semicolon after "Attention," along with the rest of the crazy grammar and punctuation here.

Just think of the damage spammers could do if they hired editors and made their evil plots sound plausible. Until then, smirk away. We might have missed a [sic] or two, but you get the idea:

Attention; [sic] Beneficiary,

My names[sic] is Mr. WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT O.C.U Investigation Office UK,[sic] there is presently a counter claims [sic]
on your funds by one MR.William Dickson, who is presently[sic] trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you
entered into an agreement with him before your death,[sic] to help you in receiving your fund[sic] US$ 2,000,000.00[sic] So here comes the big question.

Did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of (William Dickson)[sic].[sic] thereby making him the current beneficiary with his following account details:

MR William Dickson,
AC/NUMBER: 6503809428.
ROUTING/122006743,
B/NAME:CITI BANK,
ADDRESS:NEW YORK,[sic]USA,

We shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mr. William Dickson,[sic] if we do not hear from you within the next two working days from today[sic].

Thanks
Mr. WALMSLEY GEOFFREY ROBERT
(Assistance) Chairman
O.C.U Investigation Office UK
Bureau of Financial and Banking Crime

When Homophones Attack

From the New York Times this morning: a goof for the Internet age.

Southern Discomfort
By JAN HOFFMAN

Jenny Sanford, the first lady of South Carolina, is publishing her memoir and has filed for divorce from the governor, Mark Sanford, who ducked out of site for five days last June.

Out of "sight" would have been the right choice here. We are guilty of the same types of bad-homophone attacks, though, so we are only wincing in commiseration.

(Note: Edited after we had our morning coffee/comment from Barry Leiba.)

Friday Sign of the Apocalypse: Pubic Enemy No. 1

You know politics are getting ugly when they threaten to take away the Pubic Option.


Thanks to Jody for the photo (from Huffington Post).

Music to Our...Eyes?

Megan C. sent along this photograph of a sign with a correct apostrophe. (Correct! How strange for us!)

This sign is for an association of musicians, plural. It is, therefore, a musicians' association. We press our hands together repeatedly to make applause! Bravo! Bravo!

(The reason there is no "s" after the apostrophe is that you don't pronounce that letter. It isn't musicians-ez association. When you do pronounce the letter, "the bus's wheels," then go ahead and use the "s." Or don't--plenty of style guides argue for the omission of the "s" when making plurals of words that end in "s." Just be consistent.)

Diagnosis: Guiter?

Thanks to Faith P. for sending along this photo of a musical instrument she has at her house. The "guiter" is a combination of guitar and goiter, and you play it by moving your scarf quickly to and fro across your bulging neck. The sound is unlike anything else, which is a polite way of saying it will cause you to run screaming from the room.

A Lovely Review of Things That Make Us [Sic]

This comes from the Freelance Writing Job Network's Grammar Guide, Dawn Allcot:

Have you ever read a book whose ideas resonated so strongly, you felt compelled to call up everyone you know and tell them about it? You want to throw up your fist and shout, “Yes! Yes! That’s exactly how it is!”

I often feel this way about novels (Atlas Shrugged is my latest infatuation), and sometimes about business and marketing books. (Seth Godin’s Purple Cow was the last one I read that had that effect.)

As much of a logophile as I am, rarely does a grammar book hit me in such a way. Until I read Things That Make Us [Sic] by Martha Brockenbrough, founder of the Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar.

Not only does Brockenbrough know her grammar, she’s a master wordsmith. I found myself reading words I haven’t used in years, and learning a few new ones in the process. She never uses a big word when a smaller one will do, but has a knack for choosing exactly the right word at the right time. Her sentences are lyrical works of art, evoking emotion as they teach. Speaking of teaching — I learned more than a few interesting grammar rules I didn’t know before. (Hard to believe, right?)

Read the whole thing.

I hope that makes you want to buy it--or at least check it out of your library. Amazon has just decided to stop carrying Macmillan titles (St. Martin's, the publisher, is owned by Macmillan). If you're able to, please buy it at a local, independent bookstore, as these places need all they help they can get. I will happily send you a signed bookplate. Just e-mail me at martha AT marthabee.com.

Friday Sign of the Apocalypse: School Edition

Is it too much to ask elementary school teachers to use apostrophes correctly? Are they channeling Kanye West's "Ima let you finish" speech? Can we ask any more rhetorical questions?

We can only hope the "I'm an apostrophe" sign is going up next week.

Thanks to Denis for the photo.

Because When You're Moving, You're Harder to Hit

Check out the last line of this warning sign photographed by Barry L.

They meant to write "stay away from the partition when it's moving" or something along those lines. It's another case of not-quite-right construction that results in giggles. "While" is a conjunction (and sometimes a noun) that means, essentially, "at the same time" (and a few other things).

The second part of the sentence needs a subject, or the "in motion" will refer back to the subject in the first part.

What's the fix? Always read out loud. The ear catches these things better than the eye. And, choose the simplest way to say something, rather than the most official sounding. "Students: Stay away from the partition when it's moving."

Tales from the Casting Ouch

Here are genuine Hollywood casting calls in all their warty glory, sent by our spy in Tinseltown.


No experience need it.
That's right. If you don't have any experience, you need it.

Needs Extras For Background Rolls
Cinnamon or jelly?

(You will be given) all new underware.
I don't even want to know.

Need VOULEENTER
Need spell check.

Can you do dance routings?
I always dance when I'm networking computers or arranging mail for delivery.

Role: Person who see's the light
See's Candies shops tend to have lights.

Friday Sign of the Apocalypse: Now Hiring Proofreaders?

You know, for that kind of cheddar, you'd think they'd be willing to pay for a proofreader.

Thanks to Danielle K. for the photo.