Bad Grammar, Bad Judgment?

This is what the teenager who asked his friend to hit him with a car said about it afterward:

''I won't do this no more.''

(Times of Munster via the Associated Press)

SPOGG recommends he read this while his broken leg heals:

Grammar for Spammers, Part 3

Sigh...

hello,please can I have ur attention for a moment? Would you like to work online
fromhome/temporarily and get paid weekly?well as i just come across your name
andaddress posted online and I would be very interested in offering you a
part-timepaying job in which you could earn alot. This job would be based on
contract andcommission terms, it is a part-time job and it would involve quite a
handful oftrust and honesty. If you would be interested in including a good paying,parttime job to your daily list of activities, then you could kindly reply me at myalternate email jamesltd@myway.com and I would be glad to brief you more,thankyou and (God) blessed you.Regardsjames

This should be:

Hello,

May I please have your attention for a moment? Would you like to work online from home and get paid weekly? I just come across your name and address posted online, and I am very interested in offering you a part-time, paid job at which you could earn a lot. This job would be based on contract and commission. It is part-time and would require trust and honesty. If you would be interested in adding a well-paid, part-time job to your daily list of activities, then kindly reply to me at my alternate e-mail, jamesltd@myway.com, and I would be glad to brief you.

Thank you, and God bless you.

Regards,
James

Do You Know the Muffin Top?

It's fine to get hyper over too-tight pants. But let's not add a hyphen where none belongs.

Poppin' out of tight togs is not fresh
By CHRISTINE ROOK
Lansing (Mich.) State Journal

Jinny Han of East Lansing, Mich., is a reformed muffin top. Even up until four months ago, this 23-year-old with zero-visible fat was insisting she was a size 3. She's a size 5. The result was that Han, who is 5-foot-3 inches tall and 118 pounds, pushed up what little flab she had into a jelly roll that hung over the top of her waistband.

"Zero visible fat" doesn't need a hyphen.

You use hyphens to link some compound modifiers that come before the noun they modify. Properly used, the hyphen helps eliminate confusion. A red-hot tamale is one that's really hot (but it could be green in color). A hot, red tamale is one that is red and hot.

In the case of zero and visible, there is no confusion about what those words modify. The hyphen, prompting readers to utter "zero-visible" in one breath, just sounds weird.

That said, enough with the muffin-top pants, people. The extra flesh is worse than an extra hyphen.

How do you think she'd spell paparazzi?

Scarlett Johansson and Alicia Keys claim the paparazzi are "harrassing" them. Unless they're spelling in Pirate (arrrr!), harassed has but one "r."

Desperate Housewife Abuses Colon

Colon abuse and Hollywood: You might think this is limited to eating disorders and the icky practice known as the herbal enema.

It extends far beyond, however, to include abuse of the pointed punctuation mark that shares the name.

Take Teri Hatcher's book, Burnt Toast: And Other Philosophies of Life.

There is no reason whatsoever to set "burnt toast" off with a colon, as the title is printed on Amazon.com and her Web site.

It's like writing, "I had oatmeal: and other food for breakfast." Unnecessary! Incorrect! Don't!

If the liberal dropping of colons is a side effect of going seven years without sex then kissing Ryan Seacrest, we need all need to be afraid, very afraid, for the inevitable philosophical stylings of Paula Abdul.

If Teri merely wanted breathing room (and she probably needs this in order to rattle off a word as big as "philosophies"), then all she needed to do was use a hyphen. It's designed to do this very thing.

We are the last people to knock promotional T-shirts (buy your SPOGG-wear today). But Teri's Web site -- which has no information about the book -- advertises ungrammatical tank tops as it glorifies her truly toasty tan.

The tanks and tees say, "It's pretty, let's eat it," when they should say, "It's pretty; let's eat it."

Her lovely rack aside, wouldn't you rather your bosom said SPOGG than, "eat me?"

Between Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen

Xavier D. sends this Yahoo news tidbit from the divorce files of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen (right, giving fake smiles).

"And today, Denise's lawyer NEAL HERSH released the following statement:

Ms. Richards and her attorneys are prevented from discussing settlement negotiations between she and Mr. Sheen. She did, however, make every effort to resolve her differences with Mr. Sheen prior to filing her court documents, and, at the same time, provide assurances for her safety and the safety of the minor children."

If only she would have considered the safety of grammar when she hired her attorney. That "she" should be a "her."

While we're on the topic, we're on Heather Locklear's side in the battle for custody of Richie Sambora. Heather would have made a much better Bond girl.

Grammar: for the birds?

Until recently, scientists thought grammar was what separated our language from the hoots, barks, growls and squeaks of animals.

A study of starlings is making them rethink that assumption.

Like humans, starlings can insert "clauses" into their songs. In human speech, this is called "recursive center embedding." It means you can stick as many words or clauses in a sentence as you want, as long as you wrap them in commas on each side.

For example:

"The man is a senator" can become "The man, who eats pizza in the nude, is a senator," or "The man, who eats pizza in the nude, burps, then demands a napkin, is a senator" and so on and so forth. (He can even do it while living in the house that Jack built, for those of you familiar with the nested-clause nursery rhyme.)

MSNBC has more on starlings and their unexpected language facility.

But if birds can figure out grammar in their teeny-tiny little heads, then what's wrong with this man?

Irony

Someone at Defamer.com tried to sound smart by using "whomever" at the beginning of this sentence:

Whomever designed this spooge-flinging child's toy should probably be arrested immediately.

Unfortunately, "whoever" was the word the writer wanted.

Would you say "Him designed this ... toy?" Only if you were writing in the style of Tarzan, which is conceivable, given Defamer's Hollywood focus.

Hint: Use "whom" where you'd use him (or her).

Likewise, use who for he (or she). To recap: whom/him, who/he (me want Tarzan). The Ms stick together, as do the vowels.

Despite this, we still heart Defamer (and we think you'll be appalled by the toy).

We're Blushing

The May/June issue of Stanford alumni magazine features SPOGG!

We're tickled pink. No, make that cardinal.

We Remember the Titans

This made our heart stop for two reasons:

Rams sign Denzel Washington's son

By R.B. FALLSTROM
AP SPORTS WRITER

ST. LOUIS -- Signing the son of actor Denzel Washington on Monday ensured the St. Louis Rams of making a splash the day after the NFL draft ended.

John David Washington, a 5-foot-10, 200-pound running back, was among 10 undrafted players signed by the Rams. He played for Division II Morehouse College last year.

Reason No. 1: Parenthetic expressions must be fully enclosed in commas. Leaving off the second, as R.B. Fallstrom did, is grammatically akin to leaving the house with unzipped pants. Close, but no cigar (or too much, if one is "traveling commando").

Reason No. 2: Denzel Washington! Denzel Washington!