We'd Heard About This Shirt...

But we didn't really believe in its existence until we saw the photo.

This attractive garment comes from Wet Seal's "I'm So Desperate I've Considered Having Sex with My Landlord's Dog" line (other items include a pair of literal "Kissin' Cousins" socks, and single-use thong underwear to cut your losses during the walk mortified trot of shame).

Thanks, Lance (and Little Willow). Your™ the best.

Long Live the Queen

We are still grieving that a Neiman* Marcus was built atop the smoldering bones of our childhood Dairy Queen. We love Dairy Queen. We love the soft ice cream. The whimsically named Dilly Bars. The Peanut Buster Parfaits. The crazy way they cling to the sort of anachronistic word "brazier" even though it's really close to "brasierre," and even though Dairy Queen could be used as slang for a top-heavy girl and it's crazy, crazy, crazy to have so many boob-joke possibilities on one sign. (Wow. Sorry for that breathless almost run-on sentence. We maybe need to eat some lunch.)

We do not, however, admire the boob who got the spelling on this sign wrong. "Do to" should've been "due to." That said, we're glad they're opening again soon, so that Alex F. who sent us this photo, won't have to wait long to enjoy a delicious Blizzard.

Best Fake Words in Apology Ever

Thanks to Gawker and Kat G. for this apology from Ricky Romance to Chris Brown.

George W. Bush and Sarah Palin make up words, but they are the mere typing monkeys to the Shakespeare that is Ricky R. Behold:  

I would like to extend my most sincere apologies to the elderly and youth of our nation for my sudden acrasial message of violence towards other individuals of unimportance."
I must eclaircise any misunderstandings that I am a Man of irrational aggression and behavior.

In no way am I attempting to justify my actions towards persons of high immaturity levels and hypocritical methods of "becoming a better person," I was wrong.

My unexpected reaction to fallaciloquences embellished with deceitful humgruffin cover-ups and unnecessary remarks towards my younger brother enraged me.
I couldn't seem to fathom how a immature nanocephalous adult raglan tailored ex-batman and a jean maillot wearing macrotus, labrose, kazachoc like dancing, woman beater callent could make such comments and pass judgment to an abuse victim.

At the moment I was infuriated. Please let my actions be as a lesson as what not to do. You must vastate yourself to aggression and search for other solutions before reacting.

Threatening closet coward human beings only leads their tearful plea for restraining orders, desperate cries for help from "affiliating gang bangers", and countless whiney excuses -I.E. "she hit me first!!" to the media and courts, which could possibly result unwanted circumstances.

As for the once semi high powered homosexual perverts, molesters and child rapists of the Industry, I vaticinate justice will be brought to you on Judgment Day.

I leave this to God though. Please except my apology, obviously knowing the message can always be heard if ears are around . Thank you.

- Ricky Romance

A Rose by Any Other Name

 

 

Oh, Corona Light. Were you, perhaps, DRUNK when you created this sign? Or are you holding some other sort of competitive event in the smoky back room of your bar, something to do with fish eggs?

It's a sad thing when a four-letter word gets misspelled, especially one that minds its own business and doesn't break any rules. 

We hate to say it, but Shakespeare had it wrong. A rose by any other name doesn't smell as sweet. It smells like sweat, fermented yeast, and some horny dude's Old Spice. Blecch.

Thanks to the delightful Josh K. for the photo. We know he isn't the one wearing too much Old Spice.

Tales from the Casting Ouch

The latest, from our Genuine Hollywood ActressTM friend, excerpted from actual casting calls:

A recent casting call informed me that the director was "norweigien."

Apparently, dancers are encouraged to choreograph pieces "on there own"

Where is that, then?
This just in: "The dead persons must act dead!"

"Looking for a slightly hippy girl." 
Methinks you meant a hippie, not an applebottom.

"She here's a truck outside."
Homonyms and apostrophes are crying.

Tales from the Casting Ouch: Thanksgiving Edition

Many thanks to our favorite Hollywood actress for sending along these assorted casting call errors, along with her witty rejoinders. We are so thankful!

Lot's of singing, lot's of solo's.
Lots of incorrect apostrophes.

Que cardAre you prepared to wait in line?
We will be auctioning actors.I really hope not, because people are priceless.
She suffers from skitsafrania.Unless that is a term you've made up on purpose in an attempt to be funny for a comedy skit, misspelling your character's condition on a casting call makes you seem uneducated.

Casting: All types. Send headshot resume. Email for more information.
How nice to be so specific!

Recent apostrophe catastrophes:

I Can't Take My Eye's Off You
2 partner's
All ethnicity's

A recent tweet from Steve Martin @SteveMartinToGo read:

Feeling slightly i'll. UH OH. ROGUE APOSTROPHE.

An Epidemic of Anus

Once was funny. Twice made us feel sick. A third time--even with a slightly different recipe--is an epidemic of ick. We're talking about restaurants that misspell the word "Angus."

Behold the McDonald's sign we swiped from our uncle's Facebook feed:

Here is a previous post on the topic. We recall writing a third one using a photograph our brother sent but were unable to dig the link out of our archives.

Ignoring the fact that two out of three of these sightings came from our own relatives, let us just say that it is wildly disturbing that the people with their hands on our meat supply don't know the difference between "anus" and "Angus."

There is a big difference. Gargantuan. Galactic. Ginormous. Gee, how we wish they'd learn it.

Of Mice and Men

We're not entirely sure what's going on here.

What's the dude in the chair doing on a billboard? And why would we want to go somewhere mice hang out? We spend a lot of time avoiding our basement for that very reason.

Nonetheless, we thank our globetrotter, Kjersten H., for the delightfully disturbing photo.

Justin Bieber, We Are Disappointed

Oh, Justin Bieber. We just saw that you're calling your memoir First Step 2 Forever: My Story.

We know you weren't born yet when M.C. Hammer was doing his "2 legit... 2 legit 2 quit" hands.

We also know that you were born in Canada, a land somewhat sheltered from our crazy brand of American cool.

But we need you to know that it's no longer cool or rebellious or fresh or punky or anything other than lazy to use numerals as a shortcut.

This is your book, Justin. It is forever--or at least until it goes out of print. When you're contemplating forever, we recommend taking the time to spell words out. Trust us. No one will think you're a dork.

If you are worried about such things, though, we think your hairstyle is the much bigger risk to your rep. You've taken the artfully tousled Zac Efron hair helmet from 2006 and turned it into something that resembles a blond bathing cap.

We do love you, though. We really do. Please get it right in your next memoir.

It Must Be Monday

So what'll it be for today? A nihilist mattress? (Actually, it might be existentialist, depending on how you read it. Discuss in comments if you care to; we need more coffee first.)

Or a government sign demanding that we do the impossible?

Thanks to Linnea D. for the inscrutable turn sign.